Pam Uzzell [00:00:09]:
Do you believe art can change the world? So do I! On this show, we meet artists whose work is doing just that. Welcome to Art Heals All Wounds. I'm your host, Pam Uzzell. When I was in third grade, my nose had a growth spurt just all on its own, independent of the rest of my face. Suddenly this thing that had been all cute and buttony just kind of sprouted and grew and grew and grew. Seriously. In fact, one day I was sitting in class, and this boy was just staring at me, and finally he said, you've got a big ole Jimmy Durante nose. If you're too young to know who Jimmy Durante is, google him and you'll get the picture.
Pam Uzzell [00:01:22]:
I was so mortified, I found myself spending a lot of time looking into the mirror and asking, Whose nose is this? And when I asked that question, it wasn't rhetorical or existential. I was literally wondering, Whose nose is this? Thank you so much for joining me on this season entirely devoted to belonging. I hear people talking about it all the time. There are studies on belonging, an institute of belonging. It's part of the zeitgeist, and no wonder. The Surgeon General has just declared an epidemic of loneliness, threatening the mental health of more and more people. After the pandemic which disrupted so many ways that we felt connected, it's really no wonder. But I think a lot of people have been thinking about this question of belonging for a long time now.
Pam Uzzell [00:02:19]:
Whether loneliness and feeling like you don't belong are new for you or you're a veteran of this battle, I think it's time that we all come together as creative people to combat this challenge. I want this show to be one of the places where we can do that. This season, I'll be showcasing stories of artists who struggled with feeling like they belonged and found creative ways to connect and heal. But I also want to share your story. As a listener to this show. Have you ever struggled with belonging? Maybe you took up a creative practice that helped, or maybe you engaged with a piece of creative work that just really spoke to you and made you feel seen. Please share this story. If you go to my website, arthealsallwoundspodcast.com, you'll find a place to leave a voicemail. Share your story with me.
Pam Uzzell [00:03:13]:
I want to get enough of these stories to share them on an episode. I'll start by sharing my story. I was adopted when I was two months old. When I looked around at other families, at church or at school, they all seemed to make sense. Kids that were some kind of blend of their parents. My older brother was also adopted, and to me, at least, our family always looked like just four random people living together. There was no way I would have said such a thing at the time. I always knew that I was adopted, but even though there was no secrecy about it, there was also a sense that any kind of questions of the nature about whether or not I belonged in this family would definitely ruffle some feathers.
Pam Uzzell [00:04:03]:
My mom, for sure, would be very hurt. Still, the more I grew, the more I wondered about the people out there that I possibly resembled more. I mean, really, which one of my biological parents passed down this big ol' schnoz that I had, and the green eyes and the thick black eyebrows that were fuller than my dad's and my brothers combined? I couldn't help but wish that one of my parents at least, and maybe some siblings, had the same nose. Even if I didn't like my nose, I would at least have some comrades in the struggle. The physical differences were kind of the least of it, though. I definitely felt like that Sesame Street segment where they go, one of these things doesn't belong here. Even though my brother was adopted, he and my parents just gelled.
Pam Uzzell [00:04:59]:
One of the things that my mom and my brother used to say to me all the time was, why do you always have to be so different? As a kid, just being myself began to be equated with being different. Like so many other kids who needed escape, I turned to books. I realized that I could lose myself in a story, or really, I should say, find myself in a story. I read so much. Our house also backed up to miles of woods. Any day that I could, I was in those woods making up adventure stories to act out in what, at that time, really felt like an enchanted forest. I thought even more about my biological family. Lots of what-ifs and then these what-ifs gradually became stories that began to feel true and at that time helped me to make better sense of myself. At some point, I began seeing this great therapist.
Pam Uzzell [00:06:03]:
We would talk and talk and talk about my relationship with my family and how I could begin to let go of some of the negative stories I told myself based on my experiences with them. Why was I so afraid of rejection or criticism? Why I was so self critical. Why I leapt into relationships and then just as quickly walked away from them? I had been seeing her for a while when I happened to mention that I was adopted. What? She said, I wish I had known this earlier. All of these feelings you're having are actually very typical for adoptees. Hearing that, it was like having a huge weight lifted off of me. It's not like I had this miracle release from all the negative stories I told myself. But it was more of a chance to say, okay, maybe I'm not so different. There's a whole tribe of people out there in the world that feel the same way.
Pam Uzzell [00:07:10]:
There's a lot to be said for nature, but nurture is also really important. I've practiced a lot at not beating myself up so much. That leaves me the space to empathize with my mom and dad a little bit more. Two people who waited so long to become parents and who were told and believed it, that if you fed and clothed and loved this little baby enough, you could make a perfect family. I can now also really appreciate all of the things they gave me. Not material things, their time. If I'm anything today, it's probably because I had parents who watched every dance and piano recital, who took me to every after school activity I wanted to try, who volunteered for every group that needed troop leaders or cookies baked or concession stands run or carpool drivers. They were the first ones to sign up.
Pam Uzzell [00:08:17]:
I know that some stories have the power to harm, and some stories have the power to heal. So here's a story about my adopted family. My mom once told me that when they first brought me home, anytime I would cry in the middle of the night, my dad would jump out of bed first. She would also get up because she knew that he had to go to work the next day and she didn't want him to be tired. She told me that she would walk into my room and my dad would just be holding me, singing and making faces, and I would be smiling and laughing, and she'd say, what are you two doing? And he'd answer, oh, she wasn't sleepy, so we're just going to play a little bit until she's ready to go back to bed. Sometimes you have to let go of the negative stories to make room for the good ones. This story means a lot to me, and if I can share it with you, and then you share one of your stories with me, then I feel like I belong. And guess what? My younger daughter has my eyes, which were always my favorite feature.
Pam Uzzell [00:09:26]:
And my oldest daughter has, you guessed it, my nose. And when I see it on her face, I actually realize it's a pretty good nose. I'm so happy that you listened to this episode of Art Heals All Wounds. I hope that you'll continue to listen and go on this exploration of belonging with me. Please share your stories of art or creative practices that make you feel like you belong. Go to my website, arthealsallwoundspodcast.com, and leave me a voicemail. I want to get enough of these stories to share them on episodes. On my website
Pam Uzzell [00:10:21]:
you'll also see a link to buy me a coffee. I need some support to continue making this show. If you feel like you can just click on that link and leave a small donation. I want to give a shout out to Raphael Espinoza for buying me a coffee before this episode. Your support will keep this show going. The music you've heard in this podcast is by Ketsa and Lobo Loco. This podcast was edited by Iva Hristova. As always, this show was recorded using Squadcast.fm.
Pam Uzzell [00:11:00]:
Art Heals All Wounds comes to you from Oakland, California on unceded territory of the Chochenyo Ohlone people.